It's all in your mind

   Late night thinking. Thoughts that I had with me for ages, never outspoken. There were no particular reasons for me to keep these thoughts inside but I never thought of actually sharing them, as they seem so obvious. I should have. 
   Mom and I watched "Vicky, Christina, Barcelona" tonight (which is a bit of an effed movie and very out there from a psychological point of view). After the movie I switched to E! where "Extreme Hollywood" was on. Women who completely remade themselves with help of plastic surgery. A discussion arouse. Would I become just like them if I had that freedom financially or am I confident enough and love myself enough to resist? This is a whole different story but from that we spoke about getting moms ear pierced, then I got an urge to get another whole (still thinking about that) and finally while out smoking I started talking about me trying to lose weight for about 7 years now. Mom first said that maybe it's about time to realise that this is my size and I just should keep myself more fit and thats all. Which lead on to me saying that I want a flat belly, which pretty much all I want. I said that I kind of got dissapointed when at young age I realised that you always have to work hard for being in shape. There is no end to sweating and hurting etc. Mom said, well, you do HAVE to brush your teeth, eat, go to the bathroom, work. This is exactly the same.
   This is when I told her that I do love jogging, I do feel better after jogging and it is only a matter of getting out of the door and getting over the first 5 minutes. Then mom said that the reason why I don't get out there is because that exercise is something negative for me. Make it positive, something you can't live without, something you want to do instead of forcing yourself. And I know all that, but I have never spoken about it. Maybe that is the problem.
   It is always the same thing, I finally decide to lose weight, I am dead on serious about it. I start off and quickly lose weight the first month, then comes a week where I losen my strings a little. Slack here and there and gain maybe 1 kg or just a half and become dissapointed. Reverse it all for few weeks. Then start seriously again. I managed to lose a shitload of weight, there was 6 kg til my goal weight left. But something happened I stopped and started gaining again. I snapped out of my healthy ways. I started drinking excessivly, eating badly and not moving. (First 6 months in Aus).
   I always want to see the results quickly, the quicker the better and if I do it keeps me motivated. The thing is you have to be prepared to gain few pounds during the process and not break down.
   What mom said is good, really good. Just change the way you think, stop looking into the future and expecting things, be positive about it, adore the nature when you are out walking and appreciate the things around you. This is also what I always have thought about but never said out loud, discussed with someone.
   I had this new plan today, every morning going for a jog, 1-2 hours, at around 8am, set myself a goal to lose 1.5 kg's a week. Now, fuck all that. I am still jogging, but no goals. Lets see what happens and take it as it comes. Tomorrow I will jog, but maybe not at 8am and maybe not for two hours, just as long as I enjoy it. I will also not step on a scale until the 2nd of April, that is when it has been a month of exercising.
   I mean it's not hard to lose kg a week and there are not many weeks needed to reach my goal. It has been YEARS since I have seen my stomach being flat and I really want to before I am too old to even bother.
   So from now on, I making this into a pleasant trip. I am going to enjoy exercising and do it because I WANT to and not because I NEED to. Will this work? I am positive about it. Lets dig in my brain and try and change the way I think.

Good night.